Comma abuse, so much of it.
The paragraph is pushing it, you should probably space it out.

The last sentence was probably meant to have a question mark in there somewhere, but was lost in your long metaphor.

In general, it feels like you were trying to pad out an idea that wasn’t strong enough to hold its own. Like a PWP, but not titillating.

ok, completely revised it, took out commas. Put in Periods to emphasize on the thoughts. hope it helps! ya that last sentence was pointless…took it out reworded the last query into a statement! Like it better? or does it still need work??

The first sentence needs a little work…Maybe a comma? Or maybe just a quick rewording? And there should be a comma between breath, and lips.
All in all good work!
It’s hard to explain an emotion with such few words.