So, he’s in an alley.. he’s feels abandoned by his wealthy friends and family and no one in the world has any sympathy. Grammatically, change warming to warm. The second paragraph needs some work, since you used ‘start’ in some fashion twice in a row. ‘Floor’ in the third paragraph makes no sense because he’s in an alley. I kinda think he’s whiny. He should have resources. Let’s read on and see how you twist this, or if he comes to his senses.
Words are so important. I think desolate is the wrong word to describe an alley. Desolation is such a huge and momentous word that can’t possibly describe such a tiny and insignificant space.
I agree though, he just sounds like a whiney little bitch. Really unrelatable.
@Casual: There’s lots of little things about this story that could use some repair. The latter half of the first sentence makes it seem like the shivering is the result of what comes before it, but that shouldn’t be the case; warming should be warm; no watch has a 100% ability to keep time; watches keep time, not tell time; alleys have pavement or perhaps ground, not floors; you can do better than cockroaches and ants (rats, stray dogs, etc.); would someone actually think the word sigh?
The title of the piece should likely be Downtrodden. There’s nothing in the story itself that makes the misspelling deliberate.
And, yes, the protagonist comes across as whiny and incompetent. It doesn’t take much to figure out how to place a call even if you don’t have a phone of your own. Someone with status and power always has someone that they can call. If they didn’t, they would have neither status nor power.
@PJ: I agree with you about desolate; deserted would have been just fine.
ElshaHawk (LoA)
Wednesday [PJ] ((LoA))
August 2nd