Sunshine, friendship, lemonade and vehicular manslaughter – that’s quite the combination. The mature content rating had me anticipating a tragic event but you managed to distract me from that with the sweet imagery in the beginning. Thoroughly enjoyed, thank you.

I was with you until paragraph 5, Robert, where your grammatical structure and choice of words made it seem like you were trying way too hard. (a) Soft thumps doesn’t seem right. When a person is hit by a car, the thump is clearly audible for quite a distance. (b) In paragraph 2, the girls are at the table. In p5, they’re between the car and the table at some distance from the table. Most people don’t move toward screeching brakes. © Sentence 2 seems analytical. The emotional impact of that sentence should be significant but it isn’t. Perhaps that was your intent. (d) Pitchers do not fall to sidewalks with a whimper. They might shatter (or crack) if they’re glass or rebound if plastic. (e) Much of the sweetness sloshed out… seriously?

Am I failing to understand what you are doing in that paragraph? Help me out here.

Noted.

You may be right, I might have tried too hard. I had the image in my head of a broken pitcher and a tragedy when I began writing for the challenge. However almost all the errors were intentional here. It was me experimenting with things I don’t normally do. Mostly, I was trying to juxtapose the pitcher and the girls until they became the same at the end- broken and draining. Some of the authors that I enjoy employ methods similar to these and I thought I’d try my hand at something different. I don’t think I made Twilight-level mistakes though and don’t worry it shouldn’t bleed into IBM. Also some if has been updated/fixed.

Substantially better, Robert. A couple of niggling points though: (a) P5S2 absolutely requires a comma between girls and throwing. Otherwise the girls would appear to be gymnasts. (b) cartwheelbefore in P5S3 is in dire need of a space.

Ooh, that was horrid. The edits seemed to have worked well, as I didn’t see a whole lot to nit-pick at this point. Dark and tragic, but nicely told and a good take on the challenge.

I absolutely loved it! I love how you took a dripping sunshine, to make it sound horrific. The imagination and creativity is outstanding! Great work!

Man i agree with sunshine this was outstanding.

Man i agree with sunshine this was outstanding.

That was a wild ride.

Good lord man, this was wonderfully dark. You certainly know how to hit a person sideways.