I’ve noticed a trend. I think I may do too much dialog, just to save y’all from needing to make the comment.

That isn’t a comment that I would have made, THX. I think you have just the right amount of dialog. It’s believable.

Now for the wet blanket part: (a) the verb tenses in paragraph 3 seems mixed. That tied and tugged seem like better choices to me. (b) The word though is used twice in P1S3. If is a good substitute for the first though. © I’d combine P4S2 and S3 into a single sentence to avoid the repetition in sentence structure. (d) P6S1 should be broken into two sentences after worse. (e) In P6S3, shouldn’t righted have an object such as himself? (f) The first the in P7S3 should be he.

As always, THX, your stories are eminently readable.

Thanks for the detailed critique. I’ve made the changes, and I think it’s a better story for them.

It’s a very captivating story, I found myself drawn into it and eager to find out what happens next.

@gandalfolorin: If you want to find out what happens next, write a sequel!

@THX: Pssst… the gullet is the esophagus. It’s above the heart. I am such a wet blanket!

Draws you in to spit you out to a black hole…yes, I agree a sequel is necessary!

THX, what a wonderful piece, it’s ripe and ready for sequels!

What you might be picking up on, that niggling in the back of your brain, might be the overuse of “Sunshine”, maybe one or two pronouns, such as sweetie, honey, or even a nickname such as Sunny, would work.

But then again, maybe it’s in his nature not to talk like that (my grandfather didn’t) then I would remove the name a couple times.

I’m really enjoying the number of negative ficlies that this challenge is motivating. I was expecting y’all to be occupied with rainbows and unicorns but this is ficly so I probably should have known =).

I never know exactly how to comment on your work. It’s always so great. I thought that ‘Sunshine’ worked OK all the way through as it can be an affectionate term as well as a name. The dialogue’s fine too – it’s always the best part of a story when you can get it right.

I think, if there’s anything to improve, it might be the ending which could do with a more solid feel – eg. ‘rolled the unlit flare in his hand, calculated the odds and prayed – with all his heart.’

Also…sequel definately needed. I want to know what happens!
Abby x

Thanks to all for the comments, especially August since I was able to institute his detailed changes before others read it!

32^2 has a valid point on the repetition, but here it was intentional. It’s how my father-in-law is—picks a nickname for a kid and uses pretty consistently, ‘Sunshine’ being the most frequent one he uses for my daughter.

Very gripping story! It didn’t grab me at first, because I felt like the first paragraph was a little overdone. (I think it was the “sought purchase.”) But as soon as I hit the second paragraph, and the “Daddy” in the third, I was hooked!

no suggestions. i thought it was perfect as presented.