You start off with everyone speculating about why Julia wouldn’t run off. You then jump to discussing about no one not being able to break in and a possible (assailant?) already on campus.

Very confusing. You could change the opening to Julia’s body being found, then the rest would make sense. I guess I’m saying that your sentence, “Julia wouldn’t just run off like this without telling anyone where she was going.” is very definitive, that she in fact HAS run off, maybe change to a guess instead.

However, the story itself is fascinating. Except for that small confusing part, I wanted to read more.

Oh I’m such a teenage girl that I read that last main paragraph and think ‘vampire!’ – it’s an automatic reaction I swear. I have no control over it whatsoever! Very interesting to see the negative entries that this seemingly positive challenge name is throwing up. Nevertheless, a very interesting piece.

I didn’t find it too confusing but there are quite a lot of characters with only a couple of mentions each. However, this does add to the confusion in the story and situation. I thought that Rose’s line in para 6 was a little unatural. It just sounds a little scripted.

I agree with 32 – fascinating story. This could go somewhere.
Abby x

@Abby, YES! Me too, I thought it was a school for vampires, even before the last sentence.

thanks for the help guys! i made some adjustments to the story, hopefully it’s a bit better now!

It took me a moment, but I understand why they can’t find Rose.

Just a suggestion, thin down your cast of characters, so you can introduce us to your main character a bit more. Give us a couple hints so the reveal (which was nicely done, btw) makes more sense.