I feel sweaty just reading this. Good atmospheric description. I want to know where this is going.

Sequel?

Welcome Rachel!

I like this story, It sets a scene, and ends with a solid frame. Your characters are left standing still, waiting for someone to set them back in motion, true to the spirit of Ficly.

Maybe think of having your character say a couple of those words, it will help formulate who they are, their personality, if that’s your intention, make one of your characters you.

I would like to leave you with this quote and web address, it helped me a lot.

“Contrary to what some people seem to believe, simple writing is not the product of simple minds. A simple, unpretentious style has both grace and power. By not calling attention to itself, it allows the reader to focus on the message”—Richard Lederer and Richards Dowis, Sleeping Dogs Don’t Lay, 1999. More Words of Wisdom

http://home.comcast.net/~garbl/stylemanual/betwrit.htm

bonus points for torridity and macadam!

This piece’s cold emotion between the two is a perfect juxtaposition to the desert heat. Plus, they have a job to do, a reason to be there, when it seems they would much rather be apart.
The tone also reads like a noir film, but modernized. I picture a fast car with leather seats and a trunk full of rocket launcher. :)
Welcome to ficly!

As usual I agree with the folks before me. This is a great way to make your ficly debut. I have a suggestion, if you have the space, to add spaces around the dialogue. A simple line before and after would suffice. Also that is simply my opinion on the aesthetics. Certainly not everyone here spaces out dialogue.

Thank you guys for the great feedback and the warm welcome. :) This site is awesome!

Hi! Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yes, Ficly is the most awesome site on the entire internet! Stick around! =) Great scene setting in this piece. I love the picture that you paint. I would suggest breaking it up into paragraphs – spacing is very important for an easily bored reader.

I second the sequel request. It’s a brilliant start that leaves me positively itching for more. You have a great vocabulary – I love having to reach for the dictionary whilst reading. You establish a great relationship between the characters in a short amount of time. Clear talent. Brilliant start!
Abby x

great descriptions. curious to see where this story goes :)

great descriptions. curious to see where this story goes :)