Alright, so you’re trying to create tension, and you’ve done a pretty good job. I think if you show, rather than tell, readers what happens, you can create more atmosphere.

For example, don’t just come out with “far too relaxed when compared…” Maybe add some dialogue that shows us how tense everyone is compared to Deuce

And a small grammar quibble: Pony Express is a proper noun.

The dusty feel from the first line carries through this story. I like how the sense of waiting isn’t spelled out, but .

A few suggestions: The word “finally” sticks out several times. It doesn’t really lend anything to the line about “Deuce,” if you’d like to cut one. If you cut the second one, too, the final “finally” would have that much more impact.

Also—and this is coming from someone who likes to be concise—I’ve always felt it redundant to say things like “could be seen.” If the line read, “The occasional buzzard circled the open lands …” the implication of seeing them still stands. Similarly, “clomped the hooves of a lone horse” could shorten to “clomped a lone horse.” The hooves are implied in the
clomping.

But again, that’s just my tightening gene kicking in. Keep it up.

Ah, sorry about the lone “but.” I meant to say: but is evident in the men’s actions.

Sorry.