you see i know these things
deep down inside
and somehow i keep
them hidden

i know
there will
be hope
for me
even though
i know
there isn’t

i know
that i
will soon
be fine
even though
i want
to die

all this pain
i feel
i could negate
in an instant
if only
i ever
wanted to

but for some reason
i can’t
i need
to lie to myself
in order to
feel good
and i can’t stop
and i can’t tell myself the truth
and only when i’m drunk
can my subconscious take over
and inhibit all my lying

and i’m crippled when i’m drunk
and how my bones just drag and sag
and how i lean onto my cane
and i trudge across to you
like molasses
going uphill
in january

with crutches

bloated
buckling
beneath my own weight
and finally i get to you
and i’ll have
no words
to say
and how i bang the wall
and how i cry out for help
and i want you to let me in
but you won’t dream to see my face
again

and let me in
please
just let me in
please
just let me
hold on close to all the things
you promised
to never let me go
and let me into
the tempest.