We seem to be quite a pair =) This is pretty deep and heavy. It’s hard to get past the imagery and sadness of it. There seems to be very little hope in this piece, which is always heartbreaking. I like how you end with an ellipsis – as though the situation is everlasting, unresolvable.
Line 9- ‘slane’ should be ‘slain’ Also I think you should split it into two paras at the point where you started a new line…it would make it easier to read and more attractive.
Despite the sorrow, this is very beautiful. ‘black line of poisoned blood’ was especially poignant to me. Poetic! Abby x
Abby (LoA)