Dang, this is a sad one. You might want to do a once-over on the text, I’m seeing a couple of places were the tenses are a bit off.

I have to wonder how someone could so thoroughly dismiss a person like that, though I’m sure it happens all the time.

The sentiment rings true, but the writing needs some work. Basic grammar issues aside, the middle paragraph- where all the meat is- has a lot of diction issues. “Nebulous”, “searching”, “recapture” (what I assume you meant there) and “mixed” in particular feel off.

I’d suggest contracting “she will” to make it more consistent with the rest of the story.

I like the title- it adds to the story, rather than just describing it.

I like the feeling of lostness, but the inferior writing gets in the way. It’d be much better if you could bring it up to your usual standards.

Oof, thank you. I wanted to get the idea out badly on this one – the funny part is that I don’t think of it as awfully sad. I think I caught the tense switch and corrected them, I believe – let me know if I missed any.

I just can’t catch exactly what I’m working toward in the middle paragraph, which is exceedingly frustrating. I nixed the first sentence and rephrased it entirely. Do you guys think it’s any better off?

“I think, I believe” – my internal editor is broken, apparently.

I thought this was a bit of a downer, but not overly sad, especially given the title.

Actually, my first impression was of an incredibly sad story—I read the razor strokes as suicide—but then I read it again.

As for details, smells always help sell a story for me. And I like her memory’s attitude.

smells like summer vacation was brilliant and my wife liked the glass jaring against his mouth dont listen to jmv he is the devil i would never take critisicm from a person who didnt even have the self motivation to load a pic….accept krully may he rest in peace awesome story she might need a restraining order in the future

And jmv did mark twain’s inferior writing get in the way? what about the prophet muhammed or the buddha? come on man grammer is not art it is science meant to support art, dont throw the art with the science.

Actually, I didn’t mind J.M.V.‘s comment at all. The original text was subpar and I knew it; I’m always interested in constructive criticism of my work. It’s the only way I’ll improve, after all.

So thanks for the strident defense, but it isn’t necessary! I’m certainly no Mark Twain; just a lady in search of a better way to write. I am glad that you enjoyed it.

And jester, you know, the razor strokes had never even occured to me in that context. The things you learn!