not sure I like the dialogue here.. what do you think?

You have a natural gift for dialogue dealing with the mundane and reality based. Cal and JoAnn or JoAnn and her father. Jealousy is mine.

The only problem I see with the sheriff and Mitch is that too many things are said. In the real world, crime and threats of this nature come often through gestures and tone that surround less direct comments.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being too vague but I guess what I’m trying to say is let the reader assume that the sheriff will make the ‘victim’ speak up, and maybe not have their first meeting occur until the actual event (poker night) since blackmailers probably wouldn’t be too anxious to give warning as to who they were.

Just my thoughts. Anyway, keep writing these because I’m definitely hooked on Cal and JoAnn.

Jape Prophets

true Jape, thanks! i think you’re right, we need to picture this scene.
My issue in writing it was that I am not a poker player and I couldn’t get too technical. I think i was concentrating on that and not the body language.

Yeah, I think you actually wrote the poker aspect beautifully, as in ‘almost not at all’. The scene doesn’t seem to be about poker (to me anyway) so your lack of knowledge probably helped you keep it vague and nondescript.

During ‘shady’ dialogue, what sometimes helps me is having expressions, ticks, or movements ‘tell’ characters things if I can’t think of a more subtle way to get the idea across. His cocked eyebrow told me that Jane and Hank were already dead.

Something like that maybe? I hope I could help.

Jape Prophets

thanks, I’m quite rusty at the dangerous and conniving and less cheery parts of a good story. I’ll work on this.

made some changes. not entirely happy with it, but i’m lost for ideas right now.

Miles of difference, all in a good way. It feels dark, dirty, and dangerous.

Jape Prophets

thanks so much jape!

I like this story, right to the point. I think there is a whole lot of story between ‘deal him in’ and an hour later…

But thats just me wanting more.

Horrid situation. I find myself torn between the story and brainstorming a way out. I think I would have gone for a fainting spell or “heart attack”. Diarrhea is always a good excuse too.

haha, he sure showed him up.