nothing has changed
and i knew that would happen
i lied my way out of that place
they asked me three times a day
if i had any thoughts about hurting myself
and of course i lied every time
how else was i supposed to get out

so much has changed
i still don’t talk
except now i talk even less
i don’t drink anymore
for now, anyway
(though i have
perhaps
moved on
to other methods of escapism
also with
questionable motives)

you taught me a beautiful, valuable lesson
how to hide my feelings
i know better now
how to get around things
i know better now
how to hide everything
just like before
i tell you little lies
and give you little glimpses
but never anything near a full-scale model
not even an eighth of my true feelings
and i know it’s bad
and i know it’s a hazard
but it’s a sacrifice that needs to be made
for my sake
as well as yours

i know what they told me was true
that if i concentrate on
only getting out
and not getting help
then it will counteract
any positive effects
but it wouldn’t have helped
anyway