I like the message and emotional tone of the piece. Some cleaning up would help. The second comma in the first sentence feels out of place. In general it’s considered ‘stronger’ to not start sentences with conjunctions. And that last sentence was a little clumsy to read, mostly on account of your alternate use of “what”, though I get what you were going for.

Lots of potential ans explores a neat dynamic, just in need of a little polish.

Thank you for the edit! You are exactly right, and those are very useful suggestions, Master Commenter :) I have applied them, to some success. Thanks!