It’s a funny moment, and I like the very in-the-moment feel to it. The writing is a bit sketchy in parts. A few points to help: ‘stiff’ might be better as ‘stiffly’ or left out altogether. Try not to start sentences with “and” or “but”. Break off to a new paragraph if a different person starts speaking—kind of a convention, and helps with clarity.

Hate to nitpick, but there is a lot of potential in here that got mired in the minor grammar stuff making it a more difficult read.

I agree. It had a tense and fun vibe to it but some grammar would help. I’m going through the same thing with my stories.

Good sequel, now we’re getting somewhere. I got a little confused – what causes him to crash to the floor? I think there is something missing in there.

Good sequel, now we’re getting somewhere. I got a little confused – what causes him to crash to the floor? I think there is something missing in there.

Interestingly funny. I quite liked it.

Thanks for your comments. In response to your [mark.i.wang’s] confusion, the persona pushed him.