what if my dreams are disrupted by being unable to breathe?
i can’t do this to my mother
not here
not now
not while she’s here
and not while she is here either
what would they do
my mother would be beyond distraught i’m sure
but my friend
would she take her own life
she told me about the triggers she had
and i never even thought about it
if i cut myself now i don’t think i would feel it
i’m not sure if that’s good or if it defeats the purpose
i haven’t done it in almost four months now
i can’t even remember what it feels like

i’m not sure if i’m more scared by the fact that
i can barely breathe
or i can’t feel a thing
or i can barely stand
let alone walk
and i can barely think
but i think the scariest part is
that i like it

it’s like being drunk
but i’m not sad
i’m euphoric
and i’m not crying
like i always did when i consumed alcohol

i didn’t think i could do it
swallow such a large gift from heaven
but i didn’t really need to
because the rain washed it straight back
and down
and into
my blood
and brain.