You changed tenses quite a few times – you start out in past tense, move to present tense, and then switch to some sort of past/present mix at the end.
Also paragraph when you change perspective. For example, the one sentence begins “her mother”, you need a paragraph before the next sentence which begins “her daughter” – helps the reader distinguish what is happening.

You changed tenses quite a few times – you start out in past tense, move to present tense, and then switch to some sort of past/present mix at the end.
Also paragraph when you change perspective. For example, the one sentence begins “her mother”, you need a paragraph before the next sentence which begins “her daughter” – helps the reader distinguish what is happening.

Mark hit the grammar points, but I thought that this was really well written in terms of feel, tone, and story potential, especially for a 12 year old.

yeah – good point THX. emm, don’t let my comments as to form discourage your writing… i comment because i care.

I think the last sentence is not needed at all. The end of the paragraph before is a great cliffhanger by itself.

Thanks! I’ve been trying really hard to perfect my writing, I have a big imagination, but my grammar skills are kind of lacking. However, I do appreciate your comments and give me motivation to keep on trying.

I agree with ElshaHawk, there are some grammar issues you can fix, but your imagination really bursts through the writing. This is very well done for a twelve-year-old. I know when I was twelve-years-old I could not even imagine coming up with such a creative idea to write about like this.