I like that you use your, but you don’t use it consistently. I would like to suggest that you use it through out the entire piece, I think you will see what I mean. Also, you could hide that fact that your in a funeral home with the addition of a couple words.
The automatic air freshener squirted a floral fragrance into your overly warm room.
“Here she is” the gentleman said. “I will leave you two alone for a while”.
I nodded. I watch as he gracefully exits your room, his face etched in sympathy. This pain must be familiar to him, he has done this so many times before.
I like that you use your, but you don’t use it consistently. I would like to suggest that you use it through out the entire piece, I think you will see what I mean. Also, you could hide that fact that your in a funeral home with the addition of a couple words.
The automatic air freshener squirted a floral fragrance into your overly warm room.
“Here she is” the gentleman said. “I will leave you two alone for a while”.
I nodded. I watch as he gracefully exits your room, his face etched in sympathy. This pain must be familiar to him, he has done this so many times before.
I’m really sorry, but I think you missed the point on this one 32^2. It isn’t her room. She’s dead, in a coffin at a funeral parlour.
Also with something as sensitive as this, I don’t see any need to hide anything. No twist at the end required. If I’m honest I feel all your changes render the story more mundane, less heartfelt.
Please forgive me, 32^2, but one last comment on your comment: if it needed all those changes why 5 pencils (which I agree with, by the way)
32 ^2 
mark.i.wang 
Funky Chunky