i’m sorry
i didn’t want to let you down
i saw her eyes when i told you
i was too tired
i was too exhausted
i never wanted to see people again
i couldn’t do that to her
she was too excited
and i was too tired
five minutes until i was supposed to leave
i ambled into my room in a half-asleep
narcoleptic daze
(did i mention
that i fell asleep
in therapy today?)
and i reached blindly for my 3-disc
pavarotti case
(the one that’s missing a cd
in favor of unfavorable
substances)
the smell of tobacco hit me like a friendly love tap with a mace to the head
and i grabbed all the pills i had stolen
(well, not all,
but all of the blue ones,
one side opaque and pale,
the other clear,
revealing tiny beads
of amphetamine)
and i shoved them in my mouth
five of them
fifty milligrams
and i swallowed hard
feeling my mind wake up
and wake up
and then wake up from its extravagant consciouslessness
and i couldn’t stop
thinking
moving
speaking
socializing
i was ready to take on the world
but all i wanted to do
was go see a play