I stumbled on the line, “but the quiet was heavy and any noise might fall and break it.” If the least noise would break the silence, then the silence would be ‘fragile’ rather than ‘heavy,’ wouldn’t it? I’d also suggest changing “might fall and break it” to simply “might break it.” ‘Falling’ seems disconnected from ‘quiet’.

In the 2nd paragraph, the phrase should be “almost as reflectively.”

In the 3rd paragraph, “not only disturbed but also left in that state” seems at the same time vague and overly analytical. The entire phrase is already suggested by ‘disarray’ contrasted with ‘pristine’ in the same sentence.

There are suggestions that the narrator, speaking as she does about a past event, never knew her grandmother. I would have liked to see something from her that suggests why this memory is important to her.

This started with an idea that was not realized within the scope of the Ficly. As you have accurately pointed out, it needs significant revision, along with a title change to better reflect this setup to the actual plot.

You have so many stories, I picked this one at random. I like the juxtaposition of the tidy room and the tangled contents of the jewelry box. Good lead-in for something deeply emotional.

Thanks. I should sequel this, since I still find the original concept intriguing, and so the readers will finally see what this story was meant to center around.