This feels very disjointed to me. A lot of the grammar here can be polished and tightened up — and in some cases completely rephrased — for clarity and impact.

I don’t know whether I’m reading the same version as Jim did, but I did not get any disjointed feeling (perhaps I’d just put “I’ve got to go” instead of “I got to go”). I rather enjoyed the story, it’s a wonderful midsummer’s dream.