Interesting. I could see this as a page ripped right out of a ‘coming of age’ book. Nicely done!

Really? It says everything I wanted it to say, but I don’t like how it came out. :/

I kind of have the same feeling. It feels like you’re just explaining what you want the story to be, not narrating it.

I liked this very much, it had a different perspective on things. very good!

I, too, liked it. The distant feel adds to the distant nature of the relationship. It could be part of an autobiography the way it scans.

The sixth line really made the piece. Good stuff.