Mr Baker:

This letter is to inform you of my resignation from the company, effective today (Monday).

You’ll find four things on your desk:

1) My laptop.
2) My cell phone.
3) My badge.

Number four is something special.

It’s a huge bag of shit. This isn’t just any bag of shit. I took great pains to discover the perfect mix of food that delivered the worst smelling pile of crap man has ever experienced.

Instead of a bottle of scotch or some other gift, I wanted my token of appreciation to be an accurate representation of all the years you’ve dumped on me.

After ten years of busting my ass for the firm, I’ve gained: a divorce, two kids who hate their father for caring more about work than them, and this soul-sucking dead-end job.

After some serious drinking and thinking, I’ve decided to sell my stuff, buy a boat, and escape to the Caribbean to do fuck-all for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,

Brian Jacobson

PS: I placed these items in your office on Saturday morning. Enjoy!