If you could only eat one thing, Avocados contain enough healthy fats and nutrients to keep you alive for the rest of your life. Avocado pits, on the other hand, contain cyanide.

In New York City, the items on McDonald’s Dollar Menu are two dollars and forty-three cents with tax.

Three year olds are the only people I know who will enter the bathroom while you’re shaving, strip nude, shit their brains out, and tell you a story about bugs, all without batting an eye in your direction.

There are two kinds of people in the world: the kind who pee in the shower, and the kind who don’t.

Straight men are the only ones who care if their sexual orientation is mistaken.

If you struggle with small talk, pepper these phrases into any short conversation that’s doomed for an awkward silence. They work in all situations, even if only in humor or sarcasm—“it’s a great life”—“Isn’t that something”—“How dare you?” (“How dare you” must be spoken jokingly)

On Halloween, you really can’t go wrong with a Big Foot suit.