First, we’ll need a topic. Don’t try too hard (if at all) – we want something as generic and overused as possible. Popular choices include “You’re no good in bed”, “You love me, I don’t love you” (or vice versa), or “lol bad people are sexy” (the “lol” is crucial here).

Now, the melody. The simplest thing to do is take a song that already exists and change a handful of notes, exactly enough to avoid being sued. This part can be tricky; to minimise risk, try using songs from albums by past years’ Idol contestants, as it is doubtful even the performers themselves will remember them.

Finally, the lyrics. A little like choosing the topic: Aim for worn cliches and simple rhymes, eg. “hot” with “not”, “crying” with “trying” – “blandishments” with “brandish mints” would be overshooting the mark by several orders of magnitude.

Congratulations! You’ve just written a Katy Perry song! All that’s left is to contact her producers. And by “contact her producers” I mean “mainline oven cleaner until your bones melt”.