This piece has such a lonely feel to it. It’s bleak, especially with the yellow light and droning fan. The yellow light specifically brought to mind a gas station bathroom, though, which doesn’t fit with the setting. It does, however, fit the tone.

I’m conflicted about the woman’s apparently casual response to the situation, too. On one hand, her disregard for the guy and what he’s going through just adds to the emptiness. On the other, she seems oddly okay with such an abrupt departure on the guy’s part, especially given what they were in the middle of. I got the impression he was upset at his “weakness” and tickling her, she wasn’t laughing at him or telling him to leave.

I’d guess she was a hired woman, but he calls her a lover. His wishful thinking? If so, it’s not clear.

This piece feels like it wants to head into deeper waters—the shaking has to have a reason—but is holding back a little.

The writing itself is good, but I think the plot is wanting. In a piece this short, you should really focus on one concept. This feels more like one scene of many meant to portray a broad, nebulous theme. While more detail isn’t necessarily what it needs, I think it needs more focus. Either expand the plot to the point that it can carry the story, or enhance the mood. It would work really well as a mood piece with the plot right where it is if you used more evocative language. Either way, really, it’s your call.

You should probably mark it “mature”.

Wait, nevermind, you did.