Be the one who substitutes
cigarettes and regrets
for wheat grass juice
and self-respect.

Reject prostitutes.

Stay physically active…
but if your sweet glutes are all
your partner finds attractive
your relationship will hit the wall—
essentially, you must be mentally adaptive.

Listen to this…
every drop of piss
will sting like a cactus
if you don’t practice
prophylactics.

I see you sitting there,
so naive and unaware,
when will you piddling heathens
cleanse your immoral demons?
Integrity transcends
all of your silly mortal reasons!

Which precisely portends to my next piece of advice quite nicely…

GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS ARE DEAD ENDS!

Don’t take them to bed.
Don’t be misled.
Use your willpower
and devour
lots of chocolate instead.