I hate to give a low rating…but there were punctuational and grammatical errors throughout this work that created a stumbling block that kept me from enjoying this.

I also was confused by the line: “Fate can’t take you…when they keep you.” Maybe a lack of sleep is factoring in there, but I had to read that a second and third time before that idea made sense to me.

That said, I did appreciate the time you put into the descriptions you wrote. I especially liked how you used the redundancy of “hollow space” to make the darkness feel that much more empty. Redundancy doesn’t always work, but I enjoyed it here.

My constructive criticism? Take time to make sure that your work is easy to read by double-checking all of your punctuation, grammar, and spelling. A good story deserves that kind of TLC. :)

I thought it was a really cool interpretation of what being pulled back from death would be like, and with a completely different ending than I was expecting. :)

Interesting concept and creative take on near-death experience.

What a trip!

I think you meant to write “death’s grip”. Also, if the voice is yelling to wake up then perhaps we need an exclamation point. I’m not sure what’s meant by “all existence just passed me.” Did you mean all of existence (i.e. all that exist)? And what would it mean for all of existence to pass the narrator? I’m genuinely asking; it may be my English.

I must admit to being completely confused by the last sentence. How is a DNR a defense against fate? And who is “they” who are keeping our narrator? Keeping him where, for that matter? That’s too bad because I enjoyed the story up to that point, even if the punctuation was weird.

I wrote a long comment detailing every single flaw I could find. Apparently I wrote too much, and ficly didn’t like it. I will say this, then. Please review absolutely everything. Capitalizations, punctuatuon, spacings, vocabulary, gramar, the lot. This story had an alright idea, but the writing was awful. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I found this very hard to read, and if you wish to progress as a writer, then this is criticism that you need to hear.

Ditto the edits.

I’d be interested to see whether this character used this experience as a catalyst to explore and learn or merely ended up waiting for death and living just to pass the time.

Interesting concept, would like to know more. I agree with the edits, I wasn’t quite sure on how it was written and whether it made sense or not.

It’s a promising idea, but the execution could use a little work. I agree with the other commenters, largely.

Keep at it, though. A few revisions will have this one smoking.

The title works on multiple levels, I like it. I understand the criticism for grammar and spelling and sifting through the ideas for what works and doesn’t work, but I see this story as a kind of a representation of a near death experience. Nothing is normal. Nothing is coherent. It is chaos. And maybe that’s enough. Although I wouldn’t do it too often.

I was a little confused…

What is going on here? ;__;

I agree mostly with Robert Quick, but also with H.S. Wift. The muddled prose works in your advantage to get the feeling across, but “I wouldn’t do it too often” for sure. Even then there are still many improvements for coherence’s sake.

“There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out
Of Heaven…”
Sorry, your story reminded me of this lyric from the Buffy musical episode.

I liked the dreamlike visuals.

A challenging piece to read. If you intended it to be dreamlike then it worked, but it could do with a bit of a going over. I do agree with Robert though. There’s more to the story than how it reads.

Still, there’s a lot of errors in there. A diamond in the rough, for me. Thanks for entering the challenge!