Intense!

Another super-short challenge! My word, how did this start?

It is intense, though I think I got up and down confused. The exotic proper noun certainly lent it a certain feel and mystery.

I was picturing an attic space of sorts, but see the confusion. I switch the direction of the boot sounds, because the picture of people huddling under a floor is a bit more real to me. Thanks, THX.

Wow. Really fricken intense for 3 lines.

“Breaths” might work better as “breath” or “breathing”. I don’t know why, but that really stuck out.

“Hashem” is just enough detail to make your intent perfectly clear, the reader can fill in the rest. Any more detail would’ve ruined it.

I agree with J.M.V – ‘breath’ would work better than ‘breaths’. Partly for the sound but also because it would add to the communal claustrophobia.

Marvellous bit of writing though!

Yes, I think “breath” would work better. Score another point for editing through comments!

Very nicely done.

I echo illustionistic, This is very intense

There is an amazing amount packed into these three sentences. Great job.

(I think I was just subconsciously holding my breath…)

I’m not a huge fan of challenges, especially the super short ones, but this definitely hits the mark.

If I may use this opportunity as the featured story for a soapbox message: Please read the recently posted stories. Go to the bottom of the page and click on a random story. Click on my friends and read their stories. Read their friends’ stories. Read the random writers’ friends’ stories. Rate them. Write comments. Help bring a diversity of voices forward. There are a lot of little-read gems out there. If you find one, help others find it, too.

What a great piece. Every last detail could be used as an example of what to do when writing.

This is definitely a good piece, accompanied with a pounding heart and a feeling of impending doom. Nice work.

Makes me think of Anne Frank. Well done.

It was powerful enough at first, and then I realized the implications of that name. Well done.

Wow! That was incredibly powerful. You had my heart racing with only three lines. That is great writing.