The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Dear Sir,
I would have taken the time to return your manuscript, but didn’t want to risk having it fall into the hands of someone else capable of reading it. I had contemplated burning it in my furnace, as an additional preventative measure. However, I felt that even its fumes might cause harm. I can’t say exactly what made me consider another attempt at reading another of your stories. Much like driving by the scene of an accident, one feels compelled to see what is unfolding. Unfortunately, the literary morgue is now filled beyond capacity with your latest work.
I would appreciate your hesistancy to send future manuscripts. On a lighter note, I do find your story titles rather amusing. Death By Cheese Wheel, The Adventures Of The Laxative Cowboy, and The Boy With Two Spleens were among my favorite. You might consider switching to screenplays to sate the cinematic needs of a low budget horror film industry. – The Editor

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