Though I appreciate the tone, what moves me away from really enjoying it – and ultimately refuses to bring me in – is the third line in every stanza. Maybe I’m missing the rythym, but it falls flat in my mind. Do you have a comparison I can hear?

Hmmm the rhythm is supposed to be from this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44BEkXIyHyU&list=UUOB2C8IuTHjbtLQcmNZzEZg&index=27

Thank you for letting me know the rhythm isn’t clear. I will brainstorm some alternatives.

Nice little thoughtful poem. Felt like it had an appropriate ebb and flow of hope and loss.

Actually, just posting that link helped loads. Thanks.