I’m not sure how to approach this piece, sir. It seems as if you’re writing as you speak, which (as I know from experience) can be a horrible thing. There are some verb tense continuity errors, and some of the sentences seem… abrupt.

Keep at it, though. You seem to have a good story to tell. I hate to see it buried under choppy delivery.

Till next time!

Hi Bryan, I like how you’ve imagined the situation pretty clearly!