Meh. I was very unhappy with how this turned out, but deleting it just seemed wrong. You have to wear your failures like a badge of courage.

My first reaction is that this scene is much bigger than the ficly format. You might want to write it out in its entirety and post sequels if necessary.

Also, it took me two or three reads to realize that Koji had committed seppuku instead of killing the dark man.

Failure is a strong word! There’s a lot going on here and it’s very difficult to pack action scenes into this character limit.

I think Jessica’s right in that the scene feels too big, which means the action becomes very fragmented, swinging back and forth.

It’s like a documentary of an action scene, laying out every movement. I’d suggest going back through and removing any word that seems even slightly redundant – see how much space you have then and try to add in more about Koji’s inner turmoil.

Quick example of what I mean:

“He rushed the dark man, running with tears in his eyes. "

The reader doesn’t need all this – if he’s rushing, why also specify that he’s running? Does it add anything?