Nicely done. FYI, when I offer constructive criticism, it has to do with something that glares at me, and most times I don’t know why. Take it or leave it.

The sentence:

I need you to be a lookout for the company.

for some reason needs one “our”, as in

our lookout

our company

Like I said, sometimes I don’t know why.

Thank you for giving our protag a name. I was thinking ‘Bill’, but ‘Joe’ will do. Maybe his name is William Joseph? I like the ‘real world’ setting; a middle-aged man ‘looking for adventure’.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see.

Note: I accidentally pushed 5 pencils and now it haunts me. Serves me right for hating the pencil “rating” so.

AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!! Get away from me you demons of wood and graphite!

Shrewd, both of them.

I think what I like most about this is that the dialogue has a tone without you saying what it is. Like how he “perched in leaned in,” that aptly describes how he would talk without using some adverb go describe it. I want to emulate that style.

I like this one. It has lots of possibilities and lots of levels and layers of “oh, this isn’t going to end well.” Fun stuff.