‘Thank you for calling New World Industries Incorporated. For general enquiries, press one. For product information, press two…’

Every corporate answering service seems required by law to include a voice full of artificial joy. I could hear the false, plastic quality of her smile, and felt the apathetic resentment build within me, released as an exasperated sigh as she finally reached number 8; ‘service and repairs.’

After an intolerable few minutes of unspeakably despicable hold music, a bright voice cut through.

‘Welcome to New World Industries Incorporated. My name is Natasha. How can I help you?’ Human. I had almost forgotten the sound.

‘Yes, hello. I’m calling regarding my medium. It appears to be dying.’

‘Have you tried online publication?’

That thing. ’It’s saturated with mediocre work – in fact it’s celebrated for that very fact.’

‘Have you tried producing something that isn’t mediocre?’

‘Excuse me?’

’I’m just following the troubleshooting guidelines, sir. Have you read the instructions?’