I like the message here. Tightly written to get the effect across in a minimal word count.

As THX said, I enjoy the tightly written nature of this, I think it adds a lot to the feeling of the piece itself as well as being a part of the challenge.

I feel the immediacy. Effective!

Thanks everyone for the kind comments.

I had to write it on twitter to make sure it fit in 140 characters; my math is bad.