Hard to know what to make of this one – I’d like a bit more to go on. I think that you could probably have cut some of the detail in the descriptions (eg taking the cigar, putting it in his mouth, finding a lighter, lighting it) and made room for a bit more plot. Careful with those comma splices as well…

As always with your stories, though, I’m sufficiently interested to want to read some more.

Reads a lot like “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” a.k.a Bladerunner.

Dark scene with lots of possibilities. Feels solidly written.

Good atmospheric start, already you get a sense of slight ennui from Jack, as if whatever the situation he has seen it all before and really doesn’t care .

After I read the story opening, I knew it must be future based before I even glanced over at the tags. Then, like 32^2 I also thought along the lines of “Bladerunner”. I got a “Dark City”, or “Fifth Element” kind of vibe as well. I like the atmosperic opening. I think it’s a good hook for getting moved into plot. I hope you write more on it.

Interestingly enough, I just wrote a ficly last night that is future based. As I go back and read yours, then read mine, I think the two might work well together. I might rewrite mine with the names of your characters as a sequel, just to see if you or anyone thinks it has potential.

Ok. I deleted my original one, re-wrote it just slightly (adding character name) and attached as a sequel to yours. I think it works pretty well, but see what you think.

This the start of something good.