This is a poem I am writing to perform. I’m looking for constructive feedback so it can be perfect. Thank you :)

Do with this what you will… (1) I have no idea who the “she” in the first line refers to. It doesn’t seem to have any connection with anything else in the piece. (2) You changed the rhyme scheme from ABAB in the first 2 stanzas to ABCB in the subsequent ones. (3) The meter doesn’t seem entirely consistent to me. In the 1st stanza, it seems to be 3-3-4-3, but 4-3-4-3 in the 2nd and 3-3-3-3 in the 4th. (4) To me, both “girls” and “child” suggest human-ness which isn’t how you’re using it. (5) The piece is a mix of past and present tense. (6) The references to ‘tunnels’ and ‘drowned’ were unexpected and seem out of place. (7) Lastly, I know exactly what you’re saying with this piece; there’s no ambiguity. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.

I like it. Especially in performance you could emphasize the ‘she’ to mean yourself…though I don’t know that you’re a girl, just that your profile pic is rather feminine. I liked the sound/drowned pairing as well. I think August hit the technical points.

There is a mix of past and present. Sometimes it works (last line) and other places not as much. Might be a good starting place.

It’s me! Wednesday! I am a girl! PJ! Yoohoo!

Thank you for the feedback. If I’m honest, the ABAB in the first two stanzas was unintentional.

There’s only one change in tense, and that’s in the final line, which is intentional. Or, I can’t see any others, but I’ve been staring at this poem for way too long.

I really appreciate your feedback – both of you – and will take it into account.