Feel free to pitch in. Two characters, her and him. Non-linear so if you think of something to go beforehand then feel free but use roman numerals in the title. :)

The beginning was a bit tricky, just the phrasing of the sentence and the sentence about it being off. I don’t think anything is technically wrong; I just struggled through a bit.

It’s a funny sort of start to what seems like a quirky story.

This a good strong set up – could be funny, could be scary, all sorts of different directions it could be taken in.
I agree with THX about the start: I think this needs tidying up: but I couldn’t help but something about it seemed. Also, I think the ‘that’ in when I didn’t say when, she said that needs emphasis to make it clearer that this refers to the first sentence, otherwise it reads as a truncated sentence. But sorry to nit-pick – the story is good

Thank you, sorry that it’s taken me so long to come back to it, I’ve had time to write up ideas that I’ve jotted down elsewhere but not much to correct them… Maybe leaving them in draft would have been more prudent. However, the re-write should be better now :)