. I need to use your cell phone, no questions. Alright, here’s the briefcase, you know what to do from here. After recent blood tests, it turns out that I am your brother. When was the last time you had sex? When was the last time I had sex? You’re fired. Nobody likes you. It wasn’t me. Can you please hold my drugs for me? Why did you steal my lottery ticket?

…And you can probably think of other terrible phrases to start off a conversation, but I’ll leave it with these. If you ever hear anyone ever, ever, ever go up to you and utter one of these phrases, you should either: Ignore them, respond with something just as wacky and over-the-top, call the cops on them, ask them for their phone number, tell them that they are disturbing, get away from them as fast as you can, or tell them to go away and never talk to you again.