Hmm, feels a bit quick, which can work for a ficly, but if you’re starting a novel I think it would be worth fleshing out a bit more with descriptors of the scene, setting, etc. Some grammar stuff (extra quotations in first sentence, you need paragraph breaks with each statement by a different person, and an extra apostrophe in the description of the guy). It has promise in terms of the character dynamics, though the switch at the end feels sudden—something that could be stretched out in the novel format.

I used to be on a site, I think it was something like protagonist.com, during the interim between ficlets and ficly. It allowed for longer projects, but I could never quite crack the code as to how to get feedback from other writers.