This was a beautiful scene until the last line – now just I’m waiting for something horrible.

Maybe I’m in a pessimistic mood and took it on a much darker path than intended…. Lovely piece either way!

Going to go hide now.

Has a sweet, endearing tone to it. The last line is particularly powerful/pointed and sort of lays the overall sense for why the memory is being revisited/shared.

Might add some power to try and eliminate starting a sentence with “and”, as in the last sentence of third paragraph.

Painful nostalgia, trying to pull up some good from the memory before the life-changing crisis…you captured that well.

Pretty much agree with the above: this is a skilfully written scene, that sparks off memories of my own damp, Devon holidays. Lovely, nostalgic stuff – until the last line…

Cheers all. This piece actually sprang from some character study work for one of my novels. All completely fictional. I meant the last line to be more tragic than sinister, maybe ‘breaking’ isn’t the right word for someone passing away.

I think it gave it the tragic feeling you meant to share. it was the right word, perhaps it’s more about perspective. It didn’t ruin the beauty of the memory you created, just leveraged it against the sorrow.

there was some fantastic imagery, and i loved how you conveyed so much in so little. the word breaking is a little harsh, but it shocks you

As an alternative to ‘break’ perhaps ‘lost’ would be appropriate. It maintains the sense of tragedy, alludes to death, and suits the nostalgia preceding without disrupting it.

Well told.