Hm… I really, really like the concept, but it’s too confusing to tackle it in one ficlyt. I’d recommend splitting it into two, one per viewpoint. But keep the concept! It’s an awesome idea, it just needs a bit of tweakage.

Wow. Very nicely executed concept. As for g2’s comment, I wasn’t confused; the paragraphs did a good enough job of keeping them separate, but I see how it could be expanded well. Either way, good story.