It’s pretty well written but it doesn’t really have the deep mystery and sadness of the earlier entries. The apostrophe-stuffed Fantasy Names and the exclamation points are both jarring. It needs proofreading too (“far more sagely THAN someone so young.”)

Thanks Garsecg, I made some edits based on your comment. I agree, I should have found a deeper mystery to explore. But then again, not every land needs to be a mystery to be pried open.

I didn’t read your original, but I thought the last line—“When she left me, I left Se Lain in song.”—was a beautiful, sadness-tinged finale for the piece.

I also like the tie back to an emphasis on the traveler himself—he seems to be no stranger to love and loss.

One criticism: I understand the idea behind “none could keep caged,” but it implies he was holding her against her will, which doesn’t seem to be the case. Perhaps a more musical metaphor? Like a wandering melody … ?

Thanks for continuing the journey.

Thanks Jesteram for that suggestion. I might just do that. Revision is always good for the soul.

I’m glad you’re open to criticism. It’s much better without the apostrophes. :) Sorry if I was too harsh earlier. Could still maybe use a few less commas though (that’s a problem I have sometimes too).

hehe, Kiwi, huh?

Haven’t had the chance to read these latest ones yet but am so glad to see the journey continuing! I’m going to be away from computers for a few days but am already looking forward to reading the sequels when I get back!

This one was simpler, but I thought it had a nice, straight-forward message about jumping into and living life rather than cowering behind self-doubt.
Not sure how you meant it, but I read the last line as he left, being in song, or still with a song in his heart/still singing. I took it to mean he left happy for having had the experience and therefore not as an entirely sad thing. Maybe that was just me.

i read it and i only mustered up comments that had already been voiced sorry.

Mighty-Joe, your comments are welcome and thank you for them. Even though you haven’t. :-)

I think that the diversion from slightly depressing cities into this song-filled one was welcome. The world is the same way, after all: some places are sad at times, some are like never-ending parties! I really liked the last paragraph, too.

This reminds me of my grandfather. He is 82, still a practicing physician, and before he met my grandmother he could not sing. She taught him how to hold a note, how to hit a note-everything. In my head they’re sitting next to each other at the piano, singing. What a wonderful gift music is!
Thank you so much for bringing this city to life.