The mower deck was precisely adjusted to give the perfect not-too-short-to-burn-the-grass yet not-too-long-to-annoy-the-housing-association depth. There wasn’t a single scratch or blemish in the distinctive green and yellow paint. The exhaust was tuned to allow it to “growl” enough to let you know this was a “man’s machine,” yet not too much to cause any of the connected parts to take on a rattle as it ran.

It truly was the mower that would have made any suburbanite proud. The kind of machine that showed that not only could you afford an extravagant lawn, but also have enough left over to maintain it in style.

Which is why it seems so absurd to see it ridden down the center of the shopping mall by a naked man being chased by security.

God, I hate living here.