I’d put a full-stop / period in front of ‘who would leave such a place?’ instead of a comma, just to give it that succinct-ness. Also either go with “the whole of Mohan” or “the rest of Mohan” in the next sentence. (just my opinion)
I love absolutely everything involving Avalon and this is no exception. I’d love to read more of this – that last line really got me anticipating more, so I hope others join in on your challenge (i’ll give it a bash if I get inspiration).
Abby (LoA)