Dashes and frumpets! How long must I be made to lever upwards, balanced so precariously, only to press down upon the broken glass below, like waves upon the rocks of the beach! I am a foot of most class, most poise and dignity! Not some fool to be jeered at!

CONFOUND IT! CONFOUND IT I SAY! These jagged blades do slice me! Glassy vampires yearning for my life-juices! Had I but known the tower-man above me was to live his days as a mere circus performer, I would have put in my resignation long ago, issuing the edict for the cells within me to attack my very fiber so that I may blacken and wither away.

CONFOUND IT I DECLARE! WHY DO YOU BRING FORTH THIS FUCKERY?

How I long for those lazy summer nights, my quill forever dipped in the most quality of inks, the pages of my memoirs sprawled out before me. Above them, pictures of my exploits, from the magnificent beaches of the Carribean to the sticky floor of the 7-11 where all the blacks hang out. How I long for them. How I l- STOP FUCKING STABBING ME, RICHARD!