Hello (Sir or Madam), I have some very troubling news, perhaps you should be seated.

You are going to die.

Worse yet, we are all going to die. Every one of us. You, me, your state-approved spouse, that adorable baby down the street, that guy from work who is so funny – he should totally do stand up, and that celebrity that you fantasize about when you are at church. All of them.

I know this is hard to hear. If it makes you feel any better, you should know that all the people you don’t like will die too. Dictators, murders, rapists, shoplifters, jaywalkers, people who make television commercials, reality t.v. “stars,” people who misuse the word “irony,” and people who say it’s the humidity, not the heat.

The best case scenario is that you leave the universe in better condition than you found it, but at the very least could you do your best to limit your ecological destruction to one (1) moderately sized corpse? At least that can be used as fertilizer.

Thank you, and welcome to life!