This morning I put on me favourite black Reeboks, last season’s AIG United shirt, and brand new track bottoms that me mum bought me. She said she wanted some chilli from the corner shop, so she gave me two quid and I went on me way. Walked passed Jimmy. He was hunched over a broken bicycle, said some tosser beat him up for his Torres shirt.

“Why the hell are you wearing a Torres shirt around Radcliffe?” I asked him. It didn’t make any sense.

" ‘Cos I like her. She’s beautiful."

When I told Jimmy that Torres is really a man, and not the first ever woman to play for Liverpool, he started to cry.

Poor little Jimmy. The most confused chav in Greater Manchester.

So I gave him me brothers old United shirt and he got Berbatov’s name written on the back.

“So you like Berbie, eh?”

“Yeah, she looks pretty in her headband,” Jimmy smiled.