airports at night really are pretty..

underage girls getting deflowered at disney?
we are going need more pencils

That last bit of dialogue really got me… Well done! This really fits the theme in an unexpected way: the hypothetical situation. It’s the hallmark of someone who talks too much, and yet we get the impression her companion enjoys her company despite his reticence. This is my favorite piece of yours so far. Good work!

A pleasure to read as always, ma’am. My only big note is that when I said if you needed a sequel, take it – this would have fit. But the awkwardness and the silly rant – I see those a lot, and you put it on paper beautifully. I trepidaciouslly offer humble notes:

I might say “It was a sarcastic…” is a hair too explicit in context. If the quote is followed by a simple note of tone – “It was my usual deadpan.”, you can snip the second bit and not break stride.

Can people sit on an unlowered tailgate without falling over? I’m just sayin’.

The “sky was darkening” line seems kinda dry. A metaphoric jolt might give more edge – “…the sun had settled in for the evening.” Just seemed a little flat for the imagery.

“I mused about…out loud.” might connect better to the next line with a shuffle – “I mused out loud about…from.”

Who says “You all right?”? If it’s her and not him, it probably needs a new line.

Always a pleasure to read your work. I salute you, to all present.

i say, ‘you all right?’…. O.o > midwesterner<

I made some changes, i like this sun line much better, still looking over the sarcasm line.. :) thanks text!

oh about the sequel.. I actually had NO idea what he would say…

A) And once again, you show me up – your new sunset runs circles around mine.

B) I think the fact that you didn’t know what he would say carries into the writing – it’s probably what tripped me to thinking about a sequel.