A snapshot of bar life (which I myself never partook, but I don’t hold against you). Quick, dirty, and semi-empathetic to the ‘hero’. But a few notes:
“that he was talking too?” → “that he was talking to?”
“What will move her?” sounds a bit flowery for a drunk pickup. Perhaps “What will get her locked on me?” or “What will break through that ice-cold chill?” might work better to the voice. (Again, I’m on really shaky ground talking about the atmosphere, though.)
I would put a line between “Silence.” and “Then…” The cold indifference needs to be set off.
The last line seems kind of off. I’d think he’d come back filled with more empty bravado, esp. after four beers. “’Bitch’s deaf,’ he said into his fifth beer, hoping the boys bought it.” That’s probably too long for the ficly – but something along those lines gives our hero his proper chest-thumping.
It’s a good reflection of a typically awkward moment in anybody’s life. Nicely tentative, authentically brittle.
TextMason